Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics: Commentary Part 1



Lupa was really happy. She had just won the Olympics! It had taken a lot of training and money, but it all paid off in the end.

"I won the 100m dash!" Lupa said. She had a gold medal around her neck, and she had even set a new world record! This was one of the best days ever, Lupa thought.

Suddenly, Sponby! He descended from the sky, riding on wings of anti-baryonic dark energy. The screams of elvish maidens sacrificing their innocence to ancient outer ones followed him, sending the entire stadium into convulsions of cruel ecstacy.

"The end of all things is nigh!" Sponby yelled in the despair of a thousand universes, cracking the brittle shell of the earth beneath him. He greedily drank the life-blood of the planet.

"What do you mean?" Lupa asked.

"What the fuck do you think I mean? We're all gonna die, bitch!" Sponby screamed in desperation.

"Do not worry!" the president of the Olympics said. "We can help." He pulled a key out of his blazer and stuck it into the Olympic torch. The entire stadium transformed into a gigantic head, which flew into space and attached itself to an even bigger mecha.

"Lupa, it is your destiny to save the multiverse!" the president of the Olympics said. "You must pilot King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X!"

"But I don't know the first thing about piloting giant robots!" Lupa protested.

"Don't worry, Lupa. I will help!" Phelous said as he appeared from a portal. He grabbed Lupa's hand, and they passionately embraced before taking the controls of the gargantuan steel titan.

"It's easy! Just stick this thing into your ear!" Phelous grabbed a USB stick from the dashboard and gave it to Lupa. Against her better judgement, she stuck the USB stick in her ear, transfering her consciousness to the mecha.

"We are nowhere near powerful enough to take on the end of all things." Sponby said solemnly.

"Don't worry, I've got that covered." Phelous split himself into two smaller clones, which split themselves into four clones, and so on until there were billions of nano-Phelouses. The Phelouses started to pile on top of each other, until they formed a regular-sized Phelous.

"...what was the point of that?" Sponby asked.

"Take a look at this!" Phelous said as every nano-Phelous simultaneously committed suicide, spawning two exact copies of the macro nano-Phelous. They too combined and killed themselves, repeating this act until the NanoMegaPhelous was the size of the mecha.

"I've got a spaceship!" Linkara said.

"Cool! Let's combine!" Lupa said. They initiated a combination, resulting in King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X gaining the Comicron-1 as a purdy hat.

"Aww, I didn't want to be a hat..." Linkara complained.

"Too bad!" Lupa chuckled.

"Ehehehehehehe!" Doctor Insano said over a commlink, as the Sun transformed into an even bigger mecha-Insano. "Behold, the Unconquered Sun! Of Science!"

"And we're here to help too!" the Nostalgia Chick, Nella, Elisa and Todd said, showing up in a paaank fembot mecha.

"What the fuck is happening here?" the Cinema Snob asked, showing up in an immaculately-dressed Cinema Snob mecha.

"We're going to save the universe!" Lupa said. "Now, who's with me!"

"I am!" Angry Joe said, transforming the Angry Joe Watchtower into a lightning-spewing mecha.

"You have my sword!" Suede said while piloting twenty Gundams welded together.

"And my axe!" Paw said, riding a mecha-sized Vespa.

"And my gun." the Nostalgia Critic said, piloting the Death Star.

"TGWTG-dan!" the president of the Olympics said. "Go and fight, for everlasting peace!"


A quick rundown of the TGWTG-dan:

-King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X: Piloted by Lupa, Sponby and the president of the Olympics

-MegaNanoPhelous: a planet-sized Phelous made up of normal-sized Phelouses made up of nano-sized Phelouses

-Comicron-1: piloted by Linkara (and supporting cast), serving as Lupa's mecha's hat

-Unconquered Sun of Science: piloted by Dr. Insano

-Feminism Bot: piloted by (and supporting cast) and Todd in the Shadows

-Snob Racer X: piloted by the Cinema Snob (and supporting cast)

-Mega Ultra Giga Joe: piloted by the Angry Joe Army

-Twenty Gundams welded together: Piloted by Suede

-Halluko Vespa: Piloted by Paw and Pushing Up Roses

-Death Star: Piloted by the Nostalgia Critic (and supporting cast)

-The 666th Blistered Thumb Regiment, piloted by everyone else


"The evil thing is at the center of the universe and we have to get there really fast!" Obscurus Lupa said. So they all went really fast to the center of the universe.

"Hahaha I am the end of all things!" The dark thing said as it started to absorb the universe.

"You are bad and we cannot let you eat our home universe!" Obscurus Lupa said.

"She is right! This is where we live and it's nice here!" The Nostalgia Chick said.

"Haha, go ahead and try to stop me!" The dark thing said.

"We will stop them!" the Blistered Thumb legion flew into The dark thing and exploded uselessly.

"Pathetic worms! You humans will need more power to defeat me!" The dark one boasted.

"We'll show you! King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X, use your Giga Shining Chain Rocket Goldion Gekigan Progressive Tachikoma Blazing Sexy Falcon Infinity Gem Buster Prism Hadokamehame PAAAAAAAAWNCH!" Obscurus Lupa screamed. King GetterGaiZinger Kaiser Lagann X shot the dark thing really fast with missiles, lasers, exploding Tachikomas and sexy falcon gems.

"Aaaargh I am hit!" The dark thing said as it was hit, but it was not dead yet.

"Everyone we need to use our most powerful attacks to defeat The dark thing!" Sponby said to the rest of the TGWTG-dan.

"Right! Garlic Sandwich Derpdeedoo Attack!" MegaNanoPhelous launched a gigantic sandwich at The dark thing.

"Ultimate I AM A MAYUN Laser!" Linkara fired a huge burst of magic energy at The dark thing.

"Glorious Solar First Law Violator Of Science!" Insano pulled out a huge dildo and skull-fucked the laws of physics, creating huge amounts of energy which he directed at The dark thing.

"Chouginga Big Lipped Alligator Moment!" The Nostalgia Chick temporarily made The dark thing play chess with Cthulhu.

"Exploitation Ray!" The Cinema Snob beamed Caligula, Night of Horror, Cannibal Holocaust and Monkey with 72 Magic directly into The dark thing's brain.

"RAEG Lightning!" Angry Joe supercharged the giant garlic sandwich as The dark thing took a bite, frying its insides.

"Fire everything!" That Dude In The Suede ordered his twenty Gundams to fire all of their ammo at The dark thing.

"Dark Paw Monkee Phantom Summon!" Dark Paw, empowered by the Monkees and the Phantom of the Opera, appeared and kicked the crap out of The dark thing.

"Uh... Fire the damn laser!" The Nostalgia Critic ordered. The Death Star fired its laser, destroying Alderaan but completely missing The dark thing.

"Argh I am hit!" The dark thing said. "Except for that last one."

"Well excuuuuse me princess! You try aiming straight with a space station full of stormtroopers!" The Nostalgia Critic said back.

"Now Obscurus Lupa! Finish him off!" the president of the Olympics said. "Use your ultimate running power!"

"Yeah!" Lupa sped up to twenty billion times the speed of light and ran around the universe a lot. She hit The dark thing a lot of times until it was reduced to nothing.

"Nooooooooooo" The dark thing said as it died.

"Hooray! We beat it!" Everyone cheered.

"Congratulation Obscurus Lupa, you won!" The president of the Olympics said.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" Obscurus Lupa responded.


Lupa was back at home. She was dressed in a black tank top, a velvet belt, a black leather miniskirt with chains all around, thigh-high black boots, leather biker gloves and Ghost Baby earrings. She had dyed her hair black the night before, and she was thinking of changing her name to Zombie.

"Oh hell no, I am not doing a My Immortal parody." Lupa said. "It's not even a parody! It's just a shoddy ripoff!"

"Shut up!" the narrator said. "You will do what I want. Or do you want me to call Mark Sevi again?"

"I don't fucking care." Lupa said. "I'll kick his ass like I did with the Bronies! And Tommy Wiseau! And Angry Joe!"

"Fine then!" The narrator said.

Mark Sevi, an old douchebag who's bi-winning, stepped into the room.

"Hey Lupa." Mark Sevi said. "You're an ugly bitch and I'm a rockstar from Mars."

"Shut up Mark Sevi." Lupa said back.

"Imma rape you! But I'll kill you first. And Benzair will join in."

"Get 'im Checkers!" Lupa said. Checkers, her cat, mutated into a giant were-beast and mauled Mark Sevi. Ash wanted some too, but Checkers growled and Ash backed away.

"Nooooo" Mark Sevi said as he died.

"Hahah!" Lupa chuckled.

"SUBTLE!" Phelous said over the internet review cam.

"Get out of here, Phelous." Lupa said.

":(" Phelous said.

"Ok, fine. What do you want to do today, Lupa?" the narrator asked.

"Well, I think Jenny Perfect is kinda hot. I'd love to make out with her..." Lupa said dreamily. "Wait, no! Stop trying to make this into a slashfic, narrator!"

"Awww..." the narrator said. "How about a crack fic? Wanna be paired with Mal? Kratos? Tenchi? Stilt-Man?"

"No!" Lupa screamed back. "I don't want to be in this fic anymore!"

"You're stuck here!" the narrator said, laughing evilly.

":(" Lupa said.


"That'll be exactly twenty dollars." the mysterious man in the store that wasn't there yesterday said.

"Okay, here!" Lupa gave the man her money, and in exchange, she received a treasure map.

"Nice doin business with you." The man tipped his hat, and Lupa exited the shop. When she turned back to look at it, it was gone.

"Well, that's not good. But I got a treasure map!" Lupa said. She looked at her map, which had a detailed list of instructions to buried treasure. She followed the map exactly... and it led to her yard.

"What? Well this sucks." Lupa said despondently. She wasted twenty bucks on this thing.

Suddenly, a wild TARDIS appeared!







It's super-effective!
TARDIS is confused!
It hurt itself in its confusion!
LUPA threw an Ultra Ball!
Wild TARDIS was caught!
Do you want to give a nickname to the wild TARDIS? (Y/N) N

"Hooray, I caught a TARDIS!" Lupa cheered. "Now for some timey-wimey hijinks." Lupa grabbed her wrist thing from the Reviewaverse Saga and got into the TARDIS.

The TARDIS went two thousand years into the past, ending up around 30 AD.

"Hey, Lupa!" Jesus said. "How's it going?"

"Pretty good, Jesus!" Lupa said back. "So what's going on?"

"Well, you know, I'm fasting in the desert and trying to resist the temptations of the Devil."

"Cool! Let's beat him up."

"You got it." Jesus said. "Hey, Devil! I'm ready to sell my soul."

"Oh, really?" The Devil manifested in a blaze of flame and smoke.

"Nope!" Lupa said as she punched the Devil in the face.

"Waaaaah!" The Devil started crying. "You broke my nose!"

"Serves you right!" Jesus waved his hand, creating an Ion Cannon in orbit. It fired down on them, hurting the Devil even more, but Jesus protected himself and Lupa with a divine shield.

"You guys are so mean!" the Devil said as he disappeared.

"Yay!" Lupa cheered. "So, Jesus, you wanna come into the future with me?"

"Sorry. I've gotta die for everyone's sins and all that." Jesus said.

"Awww." Lupa said. She got back in her TARDIS, departing for parts unknown.


Lupa returned to the present, but her house was gone! All that was left was a burning field of tires, surrounded by garbage.

"What happened?" Lupa asked. Suddenly, someone appeared in the TARDIS. It was ... ... ... ... ... Doctor Who!

"COLIN BAKER!" Lupa screamed while gesturing to the sky.

"I'm not Tom Baker." Jon Pertwee said. He ripped off his mask, revealing that he was ... ... ... Christopher Ecceleston!

"Why you do that?" Lupa wondered.

"You've created a time paradox, Lupa! With The Devil defeated, his defeat of the Bliggurons in 15 Million AD never happened, meaning they came back and conquered the world!" Peter Davison exposited.

"Noooooooo!" Lupa screamed while gesturing to the sky.

"Stop that!" Sylvester McCoy said.

"Ok" Lupa said.

"Now, we have to stop the release of the Herpaderp Virus in 1200 AD. If we stop that, the Gurgletrons will be able to fight off the Bliggurons and prevent the invasion."

"I didn't understand any of those words." Lupa said. "Are you sure that's going to work?"

"Trust me, I'm David Tennant." Rowan Atkinson said. "Now, let's go!"

So Lupa and the Doctor got into the TARDIS and went back to 1200 AD. When they got out of the TARDIS, they saw King Arthur getting a sword from the Lady of the Lake.

"King Arthur! Can you direct us to the carrier of the Herpaderp virus?" Steven Moffat asked.

"Who art thou?" King Arthur asked. He pointed his sword, which was inexplicably a gold-colored katana, at them.

"I'm Obscurus Lupa! I saved the universe!" Lupa said proudly.

"Still your tongue, wench! Women have no place in a talk between men!"

"I don't like your attitude!" Lupa said. She punched King Arthur into the sun, but he came back with the Knights of Round.

"Prepare to get Quadra Magic W-Summoned, bitch!" the Knights of Round said.

"Don't worry, I have an idea!" Hugh Laurie said. He pointed his sonic screwdriver at the Knights of Round materia, which disabled them all.

"Noooooo~" the Knights of Round said as they died.

"But know this, Cunning Man! The carrier of the Herpaderp virus is... ... ... ...The Master!" King Arthur said as he faded away.

"Not The Master!" the Doctor said. "We can't get to The Master! His stronghold is hidden between the 10th and 11th dimension, and the TARDIS isn't set up for perception teleportation! We can't stop the Herpaderpians now!"

"Uh, couldn't we just go to 15 Million AD and beat up the whatever-ians instead of The Devil?" Lupa asked. "Or, you know, we could just time travel back to The Master's birth and kill him before he becomes a threat. That's always an option."

"TIME! DOESN'T! WORK THAT WAY!" William Troughton said.

"I know who can help us! JewWario!" Lupa clapped her hands and summoned J-Dub. "JewWario, can you get us to The Master's stronghold?"

"Uh, sure!" JewWario said. "But first I have to HENSHIN!" Five minutes of transformation later, he shifted into Kamen Rider Yanki-J Gold Form. He Rider Kicked the time dimensions, bending space and time and opening a portal to The Master's stronghold.

"The portal will only be stable for .000001 seconds!" Kamen Rider Yanki-J said.

"Okay, let's go, Paul McGann!" Lupa said. They ran through the portal. They were greeted by a strange man with a weird gait.

"I aM ToRgO. I TaKe CaRe Of ThE pLaCe WhIlE tHe MaStEr Is AwAy." Torgo said.

"Wrong Master!" Matt Baker said, mugging to the camera while wah-wah horns played.

"The Doctor doesn't do those things! You're The Master!" Lupa said.

"Curses! Foiled again!" The Master said, throwing off his disguise. "And my portable chameleon circuit was working so well! Fucking Torgo, you ruined my plan!"

"SoRrY mAsTeR." Torgo said.

"And I told you not to call me that outside of the bedroom!" The Master said. "Now, I'm going to trap you here for the rest of time!" He opened another portal and escaped through it, leaving Torgo and Lupa trapped between the 10th and 11th dimensions.

"How do we get out of here?" Lupa asked.

"I DoN't KnOw." Torgo said. "BuT i ThInK hE dOeS." He pointed to a gigantic mass of tentacles and glowing spheres.

"HRRRGHRGLGHFGKEL." the abomination said. It pointed one of its tentacles and opened a portal, which Lupa escaped through.

"WhAt AbOuT tOrGo?" Torgo asked. He was consumed by the abomination for his insolence.

Lupa caught up with The Master and belted him in the face. Kamen Rider Yanki-J Ultra Shining Gold Form Rider Kicked him for good measure.

"Argh! I am defeated!" The Master said. He warped away.

"But what about the time paradox?" Lupa asked.

"Don't worry, Lupa. I fixed everything!" the real Doctor said. They all had a good laugh, and went for coffee milkshakes.

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