Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics: Commentary Part 2


Lupa was sleeping her bed, when suddenly, a ninja appeared in her room!

"Hi, I'm a ninja." the ninja said.

"Yawn." Lupa said. She got up and kicked the ninja in the achilles tendon, making him explode.

It was just another day for Lupa. These ninjas showed up almost like clockwork. Another ninja showed up while Lupa was in the shower, and she fought him off in a titillating scene that we unfortunately can't show here. Then a ninja jumped out of her cereal box. She chopped him up with a butcher knife and threw the parts into Checkers and Ash's food dishes. She hadn't had to buy cat food in years.

"Life is hard for an internet reviewer slash Olympic medalist slash saviour of the universe." Lupa complained. "Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?"

"So, you wanna be normal?" A man showed up in her kitchen. Two more ninjas also showed up, but Lupa kicked them and they exploded.

"No, I don't want to be normal." Lupa said. "I'm awesome! Why would I want to give up my awesomeness?"

"But how about for just one day? One day to be perfectly normal, then you can return to your awesome life."

"Screw you. ZA WARUDO!" Lupa stopped time and stabbed the man a hundred times, and when time resumed, the man ran away. Also, a particularly inept ninja cut himself on a poisoned spoon, dying instantly.

"Stupid ninjas." Lupa laughed. But her cereal was full of blood and bits of cartilage. Breakfast was ruined!

"Okay, that's it. Those ninjas are going to die!" Lupa said. She stormed out of her house.

"Hey, Pierre Kirby!" Lupa said to Pierre Kirby.

"Sup Lupa? We are totally in the same movie!" Pierre Kirby said in the jungle.

"We sure are!" Lupa said in her town. She walked away. A brightly-colored ninja appeared in her place, and Pierre Kirby fought him off in an exciting scene where both of them got all hot and sweaty.

"Sweet Christmas!" the ninja said as he was bisected by a huge boomerang. Pierre Kirby dusted his hands off and ran into the jungle.

"You're dead, Pierre Kirby!" two ninjas said as they jumped out of the jungle.

"Oh noes, not two ninjas! I'll need some help from my friends!" Pierre Kirby said. "Lupa, you there?"

"Sure are!" Lupa said. "I can hear you all the way over here! And I've brought some friends of my own!"

"WAAAAaaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAH!" Reb Brown screamed.

"I am Saruman the White!" Christopher Lee said.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!" Cynthia Rothrock said.

"Awesome! We're a five-man band now!" Pierre Kirby said. "You know what that means!"

"Yep!" Lupa said. "Go Go Power Rangers!"

Allison Pregler - Red Ranger (The Hero!)
Pierre Kirby - Orange Ranger (The Foil!)
Reb Brown - Brown Ranger (The Bruiser!)
Christopher Lee - White Ranger (The Genius!)
Cynthia Rothrock - Pink Ranger (The Girl!)

The Lupa Rangers made quick work of the ninjas, even after reinforcements showed up. But then the ninjas had an idea: they could mimic MegaNanoPhelous and create a Mega Ninja!

"BASTARDS!" Reb Brown screamed.

"Come on, let's summon the King GetterGarZinger Kaiser Lagann WX Zord!" Pierre Kirby said.

"Let's do it!" Lupa said. They summoned their giant robot, which used its finishing move which I can't be bothered to type out again on the Mega Ninja, which foiled it again.

"That was a good day." Lupa said. She went back home, breaking the neck of a ninja that was hiding under her doormat. Checkers and Ash were going to eat well tonight.


Due to being so successful, Lupa had a lot of suitors. Pretty much all of her co-workers had the hots for her, but she could care less.

"LUPA!" Todd banged on her window. A ninja dropped down on him, but he dragged the ninja into the shadows. When he reappeared, the ninjas was nowhere to be seen.

"Go away, Todd." Lupa said.

"But I have a ring! I stole it off some dead guy!" Todd held up a ring. "Come on, you gotta marry me now!"

"I thought you were dating the Nostalgia Chick?" Lupa asked.

"There's room for two women in my bedroom- life!"

"Go away, Todd."

"But-" Todd was knocked out by a two-by-four, wielded by none other than 90s Kid.

"DUUUUUUUUUUDETTE!" 90s Kid said. "You're the most rockin' girl in the world! You're like Britney Spears crossed with the Spice Girls!"

"That sounds extremely unappealing."

"But I'm a perfect boyfriend! I've got the complete works of Nirvana in my car!"

Lupa threw a ninja corpse at 90s Kid. He walked away, dejected.

Out of an entire world of men, the people interested in her were either internet nerds or personifications of decades. That one night with 80s Dan was an experience she didn't want to repeat anytime soon.

She needed some groceries. She drove to the store, where Phelous was waiting.

"I'm breaking up with you, Lupa." Phelous said.

"But why?" Lupa asked.

"Because I'm dead." Phelous said. And he died.

"Noooooooooo!" Lupa screamed while gesturing to the sky.

"Also you're ugly." Phelous' corpse said.

"You suck, Phelous." She kicked his corpse a few times.

She shopped for groceries. Down one of the aisles, she saw a handsome man wearing only a tight pair of jeans. He was thin but had well-defined muscles, and his long auburn hair was tied back.

"Hello~" the man said.

"Hi, I'm Lupa."

"I'm Robert." the man said. "Hey, listen, do you wanna go to dinner?"

"Sure!" Lupa said. She dropped her groceries, and they went for dinner at the most expensive place in town.

"I like bad movies, red hair and especially you." Robert said. "And I'm totally not a self-insert character."

"Yes you are, but I don't care." Lupa said dreamily. "You're the only person I want in my life."

"You're a total downer, man." 70s Dude said.

"Go away, 70s Dude. You're not even a real person." Lupa said.

"I'll take care of this guy." Robert said. He picked up 70s Dude by the neck and consumed his soul. He dropped 70s Dude's lifeless corpse to the ground.

"Wow, that's really awesome and not horrifying at all." Lupa said. "I could have kicked his ass, but I have a big strong man to do everything for me now."

"That's right, Lupa. Now you're going to have sex with me."

"Take me right here!" Lupa moaned.

"OBJECTION!" A knife flew into Robert's chest, killing him instantly. The door of the restaurant opened, and standing inside it was ... ... ... ... Phelous!

"Phelous! You're alive!" Lupa cheered.

"That's right! I harnessed the bruits waves coming off of the full moon to revive myself!" Phelous said.

"But I thought there wouldn't be another full moon for months?"

"...Wow, that was a really badly shoehorned-in reference, even for this fic." Phelous said.

"Yeah, I know. Anyways, enough of this character-derailing self-insert shipping! Back to kicking ass!" Lupa said. She grabbed Robert's corpse and posed it hilariously over 70s Dude. Then she threw a ninja over a railing into a black hole.

"Cool." Phelous said. He cloned himself a bunch of times and zerg rushed an elite ninja. He knew it was an elite ninja because he was wearing gold.

"As a matter of fact, it isn't!" Tien said. They all laughed.


Suddenly, continuity!

"I got a note in the mail!" Lupa announced to no-one in particular. She read the note, which said:

'Obscurus Lupa! I am the man from the store that wasn't there yesterday, but unbeknownst to you, I am also the head of the Ninjas! And I'm also The Master too!' the note said. It then exploded in her face, but Lupa dodged.

"Oh no!" Lupa said. "The Master must have given me the TARDIS as one aspect of a ridiculously convoluted plan to take over the universe!"

"Correct!" Christopher Lee said. "He plans to use the Herpaderp virus to depopulate the entire universe. He'll ride it out in his multiversal fortress while everything, everywhere, dies."

"But how do we stop it, Christopher Lee?" Lupa asked.

"There's only one way." Christopher Lee handed Lupa a guitar. "Lupa, you must rock the fuck out."

Lupa called upon her personal reserve of holy fuckfire (she stole it from some British kid) and used it to summon the patron deity of fanfiction - the God Mode Sue.

"God Mode Sue, I need more power!" Lupa said.

"YOU WILL HAVE IT." the God Mode Sue said. It gave Lupa all the energy in the universe.

"It won't be enough." Christopher Lee said. "The true form of The Master is extremely powerful."

"Don't worry, I've got an idea." Lupa used her power to travel to the beginning of fanfiction.

"I've got a great idea!" Gilgamesh said. "I'll write a story about myself being a super-cool awesome god-king, and I'll make all the gods like me, except for that bitch Ishtar!"

"That's not how it worked!" Lupa protested.

"On the contrary! I wrote the original version of The Epic of Gilgamesh, but those bastard priests corrupted it into a morality play!"

"Well, whatever. I'm here to change history and become the first fanfiction writer. Step aside." Lupa conjured a giant magical storm with lightning and fire and shit.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Gilgamesh said. He shat himself and died.

"Cool. Now, to chisel out Gilgamesh's name and replace it with my own..." Lupa changed the story, resulting in it becoming The Epic of Lupa. By doing so, she became the God Mode Sue. Then, in 5000 years, she would ask herself for more power, and then she would travel back in time to become the God Mode Sue, and so on and so on until she had infinite power.

"It's like a bad M:tG combo!" Phelous said.

"Or a really good one!" Ralph said.

"Ralph Oancitizen, why are you here?" Lupa asked.

"Because I wanted a cameo, damnit. And for the last time, my name isn't Ralph!" Ralph raeged.

"Whatever, you're my new familiar." Lupa empowered Ralph, making him into an aspect of herself. She had done the same with Phelous previously. But due to the reality-shattering nature of her new powers, it happened retroactively, making Phelous able to clone himself and come back from death.

"What a lame-ass way to explain simple editing tricks!" Phelous said.

"I know!" Lupa said. "Now stop breaking the fourth wall before I break YOU."

Lupa used her new powers to stop the Herpaderp virus instantly. Then she made world peace and infinite food for everyone in the universe. Everyone was happy. But The Master was still around, and no one would be truly happy with him still in the picture.

Lupa traveled to The Master's multidimensional fortress, the entrance of which was inside a proton. It was locked with an almost indestructible lock, but there's not a whole lot of things in the universe that can withstand an infinite-strength nuke to the face.

"So, you have come!" The Master said. He was the real Doctor Who Master, but he was still wearing the strange hand-patterned robe from Manos.

"I'm here to stop you, The Master!" Lupa announced.

"Just try and stop me! For I too have the favor of the God Mode Sue!" The Master shifted into an amalgamation of every final boss ever.

"Weak." Lupa grew to the size of the universe and crushed The Master in her hand.

"Ah ha!" The Master ate twenty quasars to restore his energy, and then spat them out as a huge energy beam at Lupa. Lupa shielded herself with a barrier made entirely of MegaNanoPhelouses, just for the hell of it.

"God damnit that burns!" MegaNanoPhelous complained.

"Stop whining!" Lupa retaliated by creating a Big Bang within The Master's body, ripping him apart at the subatomic level. But for The Master, that's just a flesh wound. He reappeared soon after, none the worse for wear.

"You can't kill me, Lupa. The entire universe knows that." The Master boasted.

"Sure I can!" Lupa accelerated every electron in the universe at The Master, completely destroying the universe and only mildly inconveniencing him. She recreated the universe without much effort.

"You think you're so tough? Well, let's see how you fare against... ULTIMATE HAM MODE!" The Master transformed into a giant pork roast. "I AM THE GREATEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Counter-Technique: Shining Teeth Nom Nom Tenkyoken!" Lupa ate the entire Master Roast in one bite.

"But little do you know... I WAS A POISONED HAM!" The Master announced. Lupa's golden-white body started to turn black due to The Master's corruption.

"You bastard!" Lupa's body was entirely black. She was under the control of The Master now.

"EXCELLENT!" The Master said as hammily as possible. "NOW I WILL CHALLENGE GOD... AND WIN!" The Master opened up a portal to Heaven.

"Sup Lupa- oh shit!" Jesus was vaporized by The Master's eye lasers. All that remained of Jesus was a pork chop.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" The Master laughed. He ate a couple of angels on the way up to God.

"No Lupa! You have to fight back!" Ralph said.

"We're all depending on you!" Phelous encouraged.

"I've... gotta fight back..." Lupa mustered the last of her courage, separating her body from The Master. But The Master had all of her power. Even Ralph and Phelous were still bound to him.


"Wait, what?" God looked down at The Master. "Oh, one of you types. Always here to try and take my throne, forgetting that I'm freakin' OMNIPOTENT."


"Huh. So you did." God looked a bit worried.

"Wait. I may have lost all of my power... but not all of my talent!" Lupa used her running skills to run at The Master. She punched him in the heart, distracting him long enough for her to steal some of his power away.

"WORM!" The Master dropped a galaxy on Lupa, but Phelous broke free from The Master's control, grabbing the galaxy and throwing it off to the side. Unfortunately, the strain was too great, even for Phelous' enhanced powers: he was mortally wounded.

"Now, Lupa... while you have the chance..."

"Yeah, let's do it!" Lupa turned to God. "You ready, God?"

"Well... not really." God waved his hands and recreated Jesus. "You do it."

"Okay." Jesus said. "Okay, Lupa... ready? DIVINE FUSION!"

Jesus turned into a robot. His limbs and head split apart, attaching to Lupa as armor.

"Oh yeah! Now I'm Final Lupa!" Lupa said. She used her new divine powers to neutralize The Master's powers that were neutralizing God's.

"NO! I WILL NOT BE UNDONE!" The Master gathered all of his energy in a last-ditch attempt to destroy Creation. A gigantic sphere of dark energy engulfed Heaven. Lupa flew to the center of the sphere, where The Master's original body was attached to a massive biomechanical life-support rig.

"It's over, The Master! Hope you enjoyed Heaven, because you won't be going there when I'm done with you!" Final Lupa said. She kicked The Master in his achilles tendon, causing him to explode in an explosion more powerful than anything else ever.

Unfortunately, The Master's corpse collapsed into a supermassive black hole. Normally, a divine-powered God Mode Sue-blessed internet reviewer would use a supermassive black hole as a toothbrush, but The Master had one final trick up his sleeve; the black hole was tapped directly into Lupa's own energy. As long as Lupa was still alive, the black hole would persist... eventually consuming all of Heaven, and the multiverse soon after.

"Don't worry, Lupa." God said. "I'm gonna have to push the reset button on this shit, but I'll set you up nice. I'll let you win the Olympics or something."

"Thanks, God." Lupa said. The world faded into light...

Lupa sat at her computer, writing the script for her latest review.

"You know, I'm pretty good at running." Lupa wondered to herself. "Maybe I should try out for the Olympics."


(A bonus story! This occurs somewhere in between Chapters 5 and 6.)

"Hahaha, What a story Mark." Johnny said to his friend Mark.

"You can say that again." Mark said to his friend Johnny, a successful banker and all-around wonderful guy.

"Hahaha, what a story Mark." Johnny repeated.

"I... I didn't mean that literally."

"Hahaha, what a story Mark."

"Shit. Cut!" Greg waved his hands, stopping the scene. "Guys, Tommy's broken again!"

"Hahaha, what a story Mark."

Greg Sestero, the actor playing Mark, walked over to Tommy and smacked him in the head. Unusually, the sound was a dull metallic ring, not unlike a bell.

"Oh, that's Tommy's robotic duplicate." Philip Haldiman said.

"What? Since when does he have a robot duplicate?" Greg asked.

"But his mannerisms are completely inhuman! Didn't you notice at all?" Juliette Danielle asked.

"" Greg said sheepishly.

"SUBTLE!" Phelous jumped on the set and spouted one of his many catchphrases.

"Who the hell are you?" the entire cast asked.

"It's kind of a long story. See, Tommy caught a bad case of death, and we're using time travel to bring him back - but due to timey-wimey reasons, we need a body double to put there in the first place." Phelous exposited.

"But we need him to film the movie!" Juliette said.

"Screw that! Let's just raid Tommy's bank account and get the hell out of here!" Greg said. "I hate this fucking movie anyways, so it serves him right." The rest of the cast agreed, and they all walked off the set.

"Hahaha, what a story Mark." Robo-Tommy said. Phelous created a few NanoPhelouses to help him carry Robo-Tommy back to the stolen TARDIS. They went back in time to 12,000 BC, where Lupa, N. Chick, Todd, Film Brain, Ralph and Tommy were involved in an epic struggle.

"Mwahahahaha!" Queen ZesuOtaku laughed. "With the almighty power of Robvos, I'll live eternally!"

"We won't let that happen!" Lupa said, drawing her autocrossbow that she nicked from some king guy. She set the autocrossbow on rapid-fire and loaded it with icicles, but Robvos' thick shell resisted the volley.

"..." Todd beat on Robvos with his lightning club, clearly upset over the fact that he was now a mute.

"We can't do this alone. Come on, let's combine our powers!" N.Chick said, blasting Robvos with a heat ray.

Film Brain, Ralph and Tommy were sitting on the sidelines, since only three people can fight at one time.

"You know, Tommy, you don't have to wear the Ayla costume." Ralph said, averting his eyes.

"I am very dedicated to my character, Ralph." Tommy responded.

"I can see that." Film Brain said, his carpet of virility proudly displayed for all. "But why can't we help them out at all?"

"THERE ARE RULES." Ralph said, glaring at Film Brain.

"Sorry I asked."

"Now, Robvos! Finish these weak humans off!" ZO demanded. But Robvos was not about to take orders from what he saw as a tick; he conjured a huge flame barrier around himself, vaporizing ZO.

"God damnit this cameo sucked..." ZO said as she died. Robvos then turned to the three other ticks attacking him. He blasted them aside with a punch beam from the punch dimension, then prepared to finish them off once and for all.

"Todd no!" Tommy yelled, jumping in front of the disintegration ray. Tommy's body absorbed the blow, leaving his allies unharmed.

"And this is where I come in!" Phelous said, watching from the TARDIS. He paused time and replaced real Tommy with Robo-Tommy.

"Oh hai Phelous. You are so great for rescuing me, haah?" Tommy said.

"Yeah, you're welcome." While time was still paused, he grabbed Lupa and dragged her into the TARDIS.

"Tommy Wiseau. I've been meaning to have a word with you." Lupa said, glaring at one of her many arch-enemies.

"Why Lupa, why?" Tommy asked. "We fought together for so long in a bad parody! I wore a fur bikini just for you! I gave you thirteen hours of my life!"

"Yeah, well I didn't want to break the fourth wall. Unlike Mr. Ooh-Look-At-Me-I'm-So-Meta-I'm-Referencing-The-Fact-That-This-Is-A-Poorly-Done-Fanfic-Based-Around-That-Guy-With-The-Glasses-Members-Being-Generic-Mary-Sues-And-Playing-Roles-In-Chrono-Trigger-For-No-Adequately-Explained-Reason here." Lupa said.

"Yeah, I really need to find a better nickname." Phelous said sarcastically.

"No Lupa!" Tommy screamed in anger and bad actingness. "I will tape you. I will tape you all!" Tommy grabbed his Fire Spoon and started hurling fireballs at Lupa, which was her elemental weakness!

"Not anymore bitch!" Lupa said, dodging the fireballs with ease. A couple of the NanoPhelouses got hit by the fireballs and died. "We're not in a poorly-done parody anymore, so I've got my full array of powers now!"

"Oh, like what? Are you going to use Anti-Spoon-Obscura-Spray on me?" Tommy chuckled.

"Nope." Lupa instead fired finger beams at Tommy, amputating all of his limbs.

"You're tearing-"

"Don't finish that." Phelous interrupted.

"Now Tommy, what should we do with you?" Lupa pondered. "I'm thinking we should drop you off at the beginning of time, so that you get utterly annihilated by the Big Bang."

"I think we should take him to the end of the universe and let heat death do its work." Phelous suggested.

"Or maybe we should throw him into a black hole?"

"No, then he'd just gain cosmic powers for no inexplicable reason and go on to mess with the Animorphs."

"True." Lupa said. "Hmm... Oh, I know!"

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Oh hai Ebony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way. You are looking so beautiful and sexy today." Tommy said.

"wtf ur nt goff 1!get away frm me u poser prep" Enoby responded.

"But I have no limbs! I am more goffic than you will ever be!" Tommy said. He was floating to move around, though he had to consume over twenty times his body weight every day in various gassy foods to do so.

"A fart joke? Really?" Phelous asked Lupa. They were looking at the scene from the TARDIS.

"Yep!" Lupa said, smiling.

"And how is this a punishment?" Phelous asked.

"Oh, you'll see." Lupa said. "Just wait until Ebory starts confusing him with the other three Toms in the story." She giggled maniacally.

"Whatever. So what happened with Robvos anyways?"

"Da howling got him and fixed the timestream."

"Uh, can we see that happening?" Phelous walked over to the TARDIS' console to go back in time, but Lupa slapped his hand away.

"Nope, you'll just have to take my word for it."

"In other words, the narrator's rigidly adhering to show don't tell." Phelous snarked, obviously not aware that taunting a nigh-omnipotent disembodied voice isn't a great idea.

"God, that joke's been done so much it's not funny anymore!" Lupa complained.

"Then it's par for the course!" Phelous chuckled. "Seriously, what's even happened here? Sure, you won the Olympics, beat up Satan, went back in time and fought the Master, dealt with a particularly terribly-written self-insert, but then God just dropped a reset button on it! And to top it all off, it's a fanfic, which is pretty much the bottom of the barrel!"

"Yeah, it sucked pretty bad." Lupa agreed. "But at least the real-life Lupa liked it enough to mention it on her Twitter, and also in the commentary video with Doug! That's a pretty big ego-booster to the author!"

"Should you really be encouraging GigaBob or whatever to write more of this shit? I mean, just look at Eternal Love Story or whatever! It was a terrible idea that someone just had to do! And don't get me started on that other fanfic with that other guy."

"Yeah, but at least it was kind of a fun read, right?"

"No, not really." Phelous opened the door of the TARDIS and went back to his home. Lupa had a few more adventures before returning to her own home, where Doctor Who would ambush her and the rest of the story would happen. But due to time travel not working that way, this epilogue part chronologically takes place at the end. Get it? Chronologically? Chrono Trigger? It all ties together!

"Go get a job." Lupa said to the narrator. She sat down at her computer. She checked her twitter feed, and saw that one of her followers sent her a link to a fanfic called "Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics"...

Chapter 11:

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe, Giga Bob sat at his computer, typing up another chapter of Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics. In this chapter, Lupa would team up with Rinry and Film Brain, and they would go and stop World War II. He briefly considered revealing Hitler as an evil Nietzsche from another alternate dimension, but decided against it. What kind of twist would that be?

Suddenly, Phelous!

"Hey you! Being a meta Canadian guy is my shtick!" Phelous jumped out of Giga Bob's computer monitor and uppercutted him, knocking Giga Bob into space. Phelous then tapped into his previously-unmentioned conjuration powers and summoned a tower of clones of himself, climbing it in record time and knocking Giga Bob back into his house. Fortunately, since he was writing the story, Giga Bob had plot armor to the max, and survived atmospheric re-entry.

"What did I do?" Giga Bob whined, crying extremely unmanly tears.

"You wrote that horrible Hans Von Hozel style fic!" Phelous shouted. "You made Sponby and Benzair rape me and Lupa's dead, cold corpses!"

"It was a parody!"

"I'll show you a parody! ARROW TO THE KNEE!" Phelous conjured a bound bow and shot Giga Bob in the knee. Giga Bob's plot armor failed because of dramatic convenience, and to add insult to injury, it hit him in his bad knee.

"Damnit!" Giga Bob was still crying. "Now I can't write fanfics anymore, because I took an ar-"

"DON'T FINISH THAT!" Phelous took Giga Bob's good leg and ripped it right out, then bludgeoned him to death with it. Once he was done, Phelous grabbed Giga Bob's computer and defenestrated it.

"Phelous noooo!" Lupa jumped out of the inactive monitor.

"Gee, I sure was uncharacteristically angry for a bit there." Phelous said, returning to his usual deadpan. "I guess he's still controlling us on some level."

"Sucks to be you, Phelous!" Lupa laughed. "See, I'm the awesome Mary Sue wish fulfillment character, and you're the terrible out-of-character sidekick who's gonna die to set up the author's preferred ship!"

"Oh, really? I'm gonna die?" Phelous snarked.

"Yep. Suddenly, I'm in love with the Makeover Fairy." Lupa said. "No. No, that would be retarded. At least go for a het ship, please?"

"No!" Another version of Giga Bob, decked out in awesome futuristic plot armor, teleportaled in. "I will ship you with whomever or whatever I please! For this is Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics, and I am God! Now you are in love with Lloyd!"

"Why?" Lupa asked. "If you're going to ship me, I at least need some motivation."

"Uhhh..." Giga Bob scratched his head. "Okay, you got me. Wanna have a beer?"

"Hell yeah!"

Giga Bob opened his fridge and pulled out a six-pack. He threw it in a bucket of ice on a table that was totally there before, and they sat down and had a drink.

Lupa glanced at Giga Bob's movie shelf. "Uhh... 'I Was Kidnapped By Lesbians From Outer Space'? 'I Need To Fart 5'? 'High School Musical!' You're demented!"

"Says the person who reviews bad movies for a living." Giga Bob shot back. "Besides, I only set up that shelf so that you would comment on it, showing my nerd cred by referencing a webcomic that's not actually a movie, and a prequel of a porno from another terrible fanfic."

"You crafty bastard."

"No, not really." Phelous said. "Why the hell are we even here in the first place? You were gonna write something about World War II or something, right?"

"Actually, I already did." Giga Bob said. "But there's a person doing a dramatic reading of this fic, and I want them to suffer through two more chapters of my horrible writing." (Seriously though, I'm honored that anyone would read this fic, much less read it dramatically on Youtube. You're awesome, SuperFunTimeAwsomeo and Tehblackarachnid!)

"Whatever." Phelous said dismissively. "Why don't you just end the fic and go back to whatever you do during the day?"

"Because I don't do anything during the day! My life is Obscurus Lupa Wins The Olympics 24/7! I really... really... wish I had a job..." Giga Bob started crying into his beer.

"God, you're such a man-child." Lupa chuckled a bit. "And you're making us laugh at you to get a few sympathy points from the audience. Way to go."

"I know! I'm horrible..."

Phelous chucked his beer at Giga Bob's head, knocking him out cold.

"Come on, Lupa. Let's get out of here before he tries making out with you or something." Phelous teleported away, and Lupa followed.

They appeared on a grassy field in the middle of the night. The moon loomed above them, and it was visible getting larger and larger... or closer and closer, as it were.

"What the hell is this?" Lupa asked. "This is not my beautiful house!"

"Plot contrivance!" Phelous said.

"I'll show YOU plot contrivance!"

Hundreds of glowing red eyes peered at them from the shadows. They slowly started creeping toward the two, revealing that they were all human - or, were human. They still had the basic shape of a human, but the lack of fresh blood had degenerated them into long-limbed, fanged abominations.

"Vampires." Lupa said. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out a stake. "Good thing I always come prepared."

She threw the stake at one of the vampires, hitting it directly in the heart. Unfortunately, these vampires were different, and lacked the weakness to stakes. Lupa tried throwing a steak instead, bit the cut of raw meat flopped uselessly upon hitting one of the fanged ones. This only served to stir them into a feeding frenzy.

"Good job!" Phelous said. He conjured some garlic and silver crucifixes, which held them at bay for a moment, but not a second more. All the while, the moon kept creeping closer, threatening to destroy them all.

Lupa tried throwing holy water, but she didn't have any hearts. So she ripped out Phelous' heart and used it as fuel for her subweapon; the holy water actually did damage, burning a few of the vampires into ash. Phelous reappeared.

"What was that for?" Phelous said angrily. Ignoring him, Lupa grabbed another heart and threw more holy water. She kept repeating this act until most of the vampires were gone; unfortunately, the cries of the dead vampires had attracted more of them.

"Quick, Phelous! We need more firepower!" Lupa said.

"Huh? Aren't you still the God Mode Sue or something? Shouldn't you be able to just wipe them out by twitching your eyebrow or something?"


Phelous sighed. He reanimated all of his clone corpses, and they linked up to form MegaPhelous! And Lupa formed the head, upgrading it to MegaLupalous, with Type-V equipment! They sprayed holy water all around, drenching and killing a ton of vampires. Lupa focused light from the full moon, directing it as a beam of light and vaporizing even more vampires.

But they weren't dumb. They could learn. The surviving vampires linked up too, forming a mega-vampire. And several of these mega-vampires linked up to each other, forming a mega-mega-vampire.

"Bullshit! I call bullshit!" Lupa shouted. "That's just not fair!"

"Fools!" the mega-mega-vampire said. "This world is about to die! We will put you under our thrall and escape to another world, where we will gorge our stomachs until they burst!"

"Nope! Come on Phelouses, let's use our finishing attack! MEGA! LUPALOUS! DAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOWLING!"

The moon cracked like an eggshell. A huge-ass werewolf descended from inside the moon, crushing the mega-mega-vampire with its foot. It then threw the remnants of the moon into Counter-Earth, where the vampires originally came from; the moon destroyed Counter-Earth, ending the threat of these particular brand of vampires forever.

"Well that was rather anti-climactic." Phelous said. The werewolf was chowing down on his now-unneeded corpses.

"Nope!" Lupa said. They both laughed, and they held each other until the sun rose. Then, they teleported away, into yet more adventures...

Chapter 12:

Lupa was enjoying a nice snack of fried alligator on a stick when she heard a knock on the door. She had to kill a few ninjas to get to her door, but she needed some more cat food anyways. Ash and Checkers went to town on the dead ninjas as she opened the door, to see a familiar face.

"80's Dan?" Lupa was surprised to see him here. She'd told him that she never wanted to see him again.

"Sorry babe, I know about the restraining order and all that, but this is important."

80's Dan stepped to the side, and Lupa walked onto the sidewalk. Before her eyes, her neighborhood changed into a horribly-depressing version of itself, with swastika flags draped over everything and everyone.

"What the hell?" Lupa wondered.

"Someone went back in time to change the past, ensuring that the Nazis won World War II!" Dan exposited. "As a fellow time-traveler, both you and I are immune to the changes, which means it's up to us to set right what once went wrong!"

"Is this just another way to get back together with me? Because I'm already in a relationship."

"No, it's not like that at all!" Dan said. Lupa could tell that he was sincere... either that, or he was high beyond belief. Either way, he was telling the truth.

"Okay. Well, my TARDIS is in the shop for maintenance, so how are we supposed to get back to the past?" Lupa asked.

"SYMBOLISM!" Film Brain jumped out from behind the black.

"Film Brain, what u doin here?" Lupa said. "Seriously, you brought him of all people?"

"My options were kinda limited." Dan said. "In this future, all of the TGWTG crew are Third Reich propaganda agents! I only managed to rescue Mathew before the time-ripple took effect."

"Come on, Allison! I'm plenty useful!" Film Brain protested.

"Sure you are, Scrappy Doo."

Film Brain skulked into a corner, while Lupa went on the computer. She checked TGWTG, and clicked one of the Nostalgia Critic's videos...

"But it's exactly the same." Lupa said.

"Are you really surprised?" Dan said, mugging for the camera.


"Okay, so here's the plan." Dan unfurled a map on Lupa's table. They shooed the cats out, as they were rather noisily masticating. Dan pointed to Berlin. "I'm going to send you and Film Brain here at the height of Hitler's power. You'll kill him, which will cause a temporal cascade that'll bring both of you back to the unaltered present."

"Sounds like bullshit to me." Lupa complained. "Why don't we just go back further and kill Hitler before he was born?"

"Hitler's Time Travel Exemption Act." Dan said. "Nobody's allowed to kill Hitler at any time except when he's supposed to eat his gun."

"Whatever. Hey, Film Brain! Come here!"

"Ah, so we're ready to kill Hitler, then?" A wide grin spread across Film Brain's face. He grabbed a convenient cricket back with nails in it and caressed it like a child. "Good. I've always wanted to kill me some Nazis."

"Damn right! Everyone should kill at least one Nazi in their life!" Lupa grabbed her infinite-ammo rocket launcher. "So, Dan, how do we get back to the past?"

Dan held up a bag of white powder. "How do you think?"

A few minutes (from their perspective) later, Film Brain and Lupa arrived in Nazi Germany. Immediately, several Nazis started shouting and firing at them, but Lupa's rockets blew them into little chunks.

But unfortunately for them, this version of World War II involved occult powers. The blown-up Nazis rose as zombies conveniently immune to rockets, so Film Brain wailed on them with his club. Lupa pulled a nodachi from hammerspace and impaled several Nazi zombies on it like a skewer, and threw them into a river.

"Ha ha!" Lupa laughed. But the Nazi zombies rose again as Nazi ghosts. Fortunately, the nails on Film Brain's bat were made from the nails that held Jesus to the cross, which made it really powerful, especially against Nazi undead of all types. Lupa had harvested the hearts of those ninjas, so she had plenty of holy water to use against them.

But their holy weapons had drawn the ire of Hitler himself.

"LUPA!" A ghostly apparition of Hitler appeared before them. Lupa tried throwing holy water at him, but he was little more than an illusion.

"Hitler." Lupa grimaced.

"I have heard of you, Lupa. But unfortunately for you, I too wield a holy artifact!" The ghost Hitler held up a small bag. "This bag contains shards of the Cross, the Ark and the Ten Commandments. As long as you are within my domain, your powers are neutralized!"

"Oh really?" Lupa threw a grenade at ghost Hitler, blowing him up.

"How in the bloody hell did you blow up a ghost?" Film Brain asked as he bludgeoned more Nazi zombie goasts.

"I'm just that good." Lupa put on her shades, then teleported into Hitler's bunker.

"Ach!" Hitler immediately consumed the souls of Eva Braun and his dog, as well as the attendants in the bunker. "Lupa! Do you think you stand a chance against the power of the Third Reich?"

"Yep." Lupa took out her rocket launcher and unloaded it into Hitler, blowing his body away. But Hitler's evil persisted as a phantom, and he flew into space, possessing the Nazi satellite in orbit above them. He fired the satellite's cannon (which was powered by pure Nazism), completely demolishing Berlin, but Lupa survived.

Unfortunately, the temporal cascade spoken of by Dan had already started to take effect. Film Brain was ripped out of the past and flung into the far future, where he would become Supreme Leader of the Morlocks. Lupa, meanwhile, flew up into space, deflecting another shot of the Nazi satellite cannon with lots of explosions.

Lupa flew into the barrel of the Nazi satellite cannon and used the last of her hearts to stop time. She attached a number of remote mines to the inside of the barrel, flew outside of it, and detonated the mines while firing more rockets into it. The cannon exploded rather magnificently, but the satellite itself was mostly unharmed.

"Lupa! I will not be defeated by you!" Hitler, now possessing a steampunk robot body, flew out at Lupa. He delivered a roundhouse to her face, but Lupa countered by karate chopping right through his body. Hitler called on most of his occult powers, summoning a portal to Hell; Lupa knocked him into it, but that was exactly what Hitler expected. He possessed a bunch of demons and amalgamated them into a body horror-riffic new body.

Lupa countered with more rockets, but Demon Hitler was far too powerful. She flew directly into Hell and stabbed him in the heart with an unbreakable silver sword, but Hitler's sheer hate melted the sword before it did any damage.

"Shit!" Lupa said. Demon Hitler grabbed her and tried to crush her in his grip, but she managed to get out by tearing through one of his fingers. She had more weapons, but none of them would be very effective against fucking Demon Hitler.

Except one.

"Rise, Rothrockathon!" Lupa dramatically posed as a giant metal replica of Cynthia Rothrock emerged from a subspace rift. Lupa entered the head of the mecha, which she'd commissioned from Linkara after King Gettergaizinger Kaiser Lagann X was destroyed when she fought The Master. It was quite a bit more powerful, and more thematically appropriate!

"Argh!" Demon Hitler cowered in the face of his new enemy. But he would not fall so easily! He fired a beam of pure evil at the Rothrockathon, but Lupa's power, amplified by the mecha, deflected it easily.

But she was already feeling the corruptive effects of Hell on her. If Lupa stayed here too long, she wouldn't be able to leave. She had to finish this quick.

"FINISHING MOVE!" Lupa shouted, activating the voice-recognition software that started the finishing move process. "OBSCURUS LUPA PRESENTS... YOUR DEATH, BY ME!"

The Rothrockathon summoned more weapons than actually exist and bombarded Demon Hitler with all of them, while at the same time summoning myriad clones of itself and performing every single martial arts moves ever invented.

Even Demon Hitler could not take it. His body was beaten, and the demons of Hell happily took his soul into its depths. Of course, they were all too happy to take Lupa's soul too, so she had to escape. She opened another subspace rift and tried going through it, but the demons were already clawing at the Rothrockathon's feet, dragging her back.

As its first and last act of true sentience, the Rothrockathon ripped its own head off and threw it into the rift. The rift closed, and Lupa's last glance of the Rothrockathon's body was of it being dragged into Hell by demons.

A temporal cascade hit, teleporting Lupa back to her home.

"Ah, welcome back!" Dan said. "So you were successful?"

"Yep. I killed Demon Hitler!"

"Sweet! Now will you get back together with me?"

"Nope!" Phelous kicked Dan in the groin and threw him in the dumpster outside. They both laughed at his misfortune.

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